Motivational Golf Quotes
“If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.”
“Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore’, shoot six, and write down five.”
A Look Back At Golf History
To any late comers to the highly esteemed sport of golf, I thought a bit of history was in order.
Some of you might already be in so deep you’re working the night shift at 7-11 to pay for green fees, but for you rookies, it’s only fair you understand what you’re getting into. After all, knowledge is power, and cherry ICEE’s are delicious.
The origins of the game of golf are murky. The Romans, Chinese, and Persians are all thought to have contributed to what we know today as golf. I have my doubts the Romans were first, as they were much too busy pillaging to have any leisure time.
The Chinese are iffy, because they’d just want to play another round an hour later and would never have had the time to build a clubhouse, let alone a Great Wall.
The English seemed to have jumped on the bandwagon also but got confused with the whole “tee time” thing and it never got off the ground until much later.
It’s also rumored that Christopher Columbus was so enamored by the sport he originally named his ships the Nina, the Putter, and the Santa Maria, but as of this posting I can’t corroborate that.
In All Began In 1502
The game of golf, as we’ve come to love it today, originated in 1502 in the hills of Scotland. The Scots pretty much kept it under their kilts for three centuries.
But by 1860, two plaid-wearing golf-aholics seeking fame and fortune abroad, packed up their clubs and sailed across the Atlantic to America. Once here, they hastily set up a hole in an apple orchard to demonstrate the game.
Unfortunately, they’d overslept and forgotten their balls at the inn. This forced them to substitute a red delicious. They were forthwith tarred and feathered and returned home penniless.
But as luck would sometimes have it, a local ochard owner by the name of S.R. Mott happened to be in the crowd at the time. Seeing opportunity where others might see failure, he made a name for himself by inventing applesauce. When life hands you lemons… or apples… whatever.
I hesitate to mention this, but I must. Some ancient alien theorists suggest that the holes of very first golf course were actually a star map given to us earthlings by miffed aliens as a way of showing us that no matter what we thought, we weren’t the center of the universe. Who knows?
- The term “caddy” comes from the French word “cadet.” It’s pronounced cad-Day, which means, youngest child. This is also known as child slave labor, or in ye old English, the LBGTQ rule. Roughly translated, Last Born Gets the *Quinkins.
Writer’s dictionary result for made-up word
/ kwin•kins /
The dried remains or dregs of food left in the bottom of the pan.
eg. Oliver Twist would’ve been the kid to get the quinkins.
- The only sports ever successfully played on the moon were the javelin throw and one-handed golf. A third, the midget toss failed miserably. Mostly due to lack of gravity, a defective tether, and no back up midget.
- Golfers originally teed off piles of sand or dirt they dug themselves. The damage left behind were at first called “golfer holes.” later changed to… well, you know.
- The modern golf tee was invented in 1899 by Dr. George Grant, Harvard’s first African-American professor. Dr. Grant was an avid fiction reader. After a late-night reading of Bram Stoker’s, Dracula, he designed and patented a small wooden stake to kill bats he discovered roosting in his attic.
Have A Stroke
So it turns out Dr. Grant’s neighbor, a weekend golfer, inadvertently found one of these wriggling, impaled mammals on his front lawn and used a nine iron to swat it away. Instantly recognizing his friend’s gizmo would revolutionize the game of golf, he named it the “Stoker” after the famous author.
Unfortunately, due to having a severe speech Impediment, his fellow golfers heard “stroker,” which was soon shortened to “stroke.”
Tee It Up
The name “tee,” came later when men became embarrassed when asking fellow golfers to “give me a stroke.”
- Golfing words usually have auspicious beginnings. In 1899, Abe Smith hit a ball and exclaimed, “that was a bird of a shot.” “Birdie” soon became one of golf’s most popular terms.
Several historians dispute this chronicled moment. They claim the term originated when the first threesomes were formed. If one golfer was thought to have shaved strokes off his score, the other two would gesture with a certain eh… middle finger, thus giving him the bird. You decide.
- So, if you golf newbies ever get to thinking you’re all that, here’s a sobering statistic. Seems that 80 percent of you will never have a handicap under 18. If you should per chance find a genie in a bottle and use your wish to change this, you will forever be known as an “underage driver” or “jailbait.”
Lesser-known Golf Facts
- The odds are 12,500 to 1 you will ever make a hole in one.
- Odds of having an IRS audit are 1 in 160. Cheat on your scorecard, not your taxes. Capeesh?
- Odds of winning an Oscar are 1 in 11,500. Maybe you should quit golfing and become an actor.
- Odds of being injured by a toilet, 10,000 to 1. At my age, due to frequent night trips to the bathroom, I can only assume these odds are greatly in my favor.
- Odds of winning $1 million in McDonald’s Monopoly game are a staggering 1 in 451,822,158. I would suggest you skip the Happy Meal, hire a golf coach, and work on your long game if you ever want to get an ace.
I hope this has helped you better understand this crazy game called, golf. Keep practicing. It only gets better.
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