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How good is your knowledge of golf terms? We fondly call them golf terms of endearment. Remeber, golf is a game with its own distinct vocabulary. To truly understand the game, you must embrace and master the terminology.

Female Golfer

Motivational Golf Quotes

“Talking to a golf ball won’t do you any good, unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.”

-Bruce Lansky

“I play in the 80’s. If it’s any hotter than that, I don’t play.”

-Joe E. Lewis

It’s All About Golf Vocabulary

Golf is a game with its own distinct vocabulary. To truly understand the game, you must embrace and master the terminology. Words matter. It took me years to discover that “irregardless” was not a word. Regardless of that (see what I did there?), let me help you not look silly on the green.

So, whether you’re a newcomer or simply tired of nodding your head like you know what they’re talking about when in the company of more advanced golfers, it’s never too late to learn. I guarantee that once you’ve memorized golf-speak, you’ll be the go-to guy whenever questions arise during play. Soon, you’ll not only be walkin’ the walk, but you’ll be talkin’ the talk.

Golf Vocabulary 101

Choke: A derogatory term to describe what poor golfers do when given wise advice from their caddies that they didn’t follow.

Closed Grip: Term for golfer’s hand on wallet when bet is lost, or lunch bill arrives.

Driving Range: An imaginary place most women think their husbands are at when they’re really sitting in the clubhouse drinking. Also known as “taking a few practice shots at the club,” or “land of the unicorns.”

Early Hit: When you try to score club’s cocktail waitress’s cell number before the rest of your foursome arrives.

Floater: The one guy in the foursome who always seems to be missing when it’s time for his shot. Usually pestering the hot blond in the threesome behind you.

Fluffy Lie: A harmless little fabrication when writing down your score. Sometimes called “creative bookkeeping.”

Follow-through: What your golfing buddy never does when you make a date to play a round.

Grand Slam: Gripping your putter and repeatedly smashing it on the turf. Referred to as “a Turf War.”

Grain: The liquid carried by a duffer in a hip flask. Comes from the moonshiner saying, “The more grain, the less pain.”

Group Lesson: When one golfer in your group thinks he is a semi-pro and gives unwanted advice regarding your swing, while making sure the other two in the foursome know how bad they suck at golf.

Hooding: When several golfers put a blanket over the head of aforementioned semi-pro golfer and beat him repeatedly with a one-iron (see Group Lesson above).

Impact: Self-explanatory (see above).

Lie: word for what all golfers tend to do when recounting all previous rounds of golf.

Mulligan: Golf term for, “Did you feel that? I think we just had an earthquake?”

Punch Shot: Gut punching a golfer who constantly talks when it’s your turn to tee off.

Reading the Green: Smashing above irritating golfer’s face into grass when he refuses to shut up even after giving him a Punch Shot.

Recover: What you expect above golfer to do at home after “reading the green.”

Round Robin: Inviting a lousy, but very well-off acquaintance to play for $10 a hole. Sometimes called “Round-Robbin’.”

Scramble: What golfers do when the club waitress brings the bill.

Semi-Private Lesson: When another golfer takes you aside to give unwanted advice but makes sure everyone else in the group can hear his bullshit.

Shank: Taking the club you just broke in half and stabbing the ground over and over until another golfer pulls you off.

Short Game: Used when you’re sucking so badyou quit after three holes and go to the clubhouse and get drunk.

Splash Shot: After relieving yourself in the bushes because you’ve been drinking, you unknowingly pee all over your best plaid trousers.

Stance: A technique, that when done properly, keeps you from drenching your pants with pee (see above).

Sweet Spot: Embarrassing brown spot when the Hershey bar you brought to snack on inadvertently melts in your back pocket.

Toed Shot: Using your toe instead of a putter to shove the ball in the hole when no one’s watching, because you totally suck at putting. May also be known as “tutting,” you know, toe putting.

Visualization: Sitting in your golf cart and imagining what the redhead in the foursome in front of you would look like in a bikini.

Weak Grip: What new golfers have on their sanity when just starting out.

Whiff: What you hope no one gets when you head into woods to find your ball and decide to smoke a bowl while you’re there.

In Conclusion

That was fun. You know I always have your back, right? No one likes to look or sound ignorant.

Time to hit the links and try out your new vocabulary.

Oh, and please don’t “Overclub.” Too much time spent drinking in the clubhouse will not only spoil your game but when you give the cute waitress a “Pinch Shot” on the bottom, you’re likely to get a good look at her “Swing arc.” Remember, knowledge is power.

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